Lord of the Rings: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
by Lady Eowyn of Rohan
Summary: A *creative* reinterpretation of the Fellowship's journey. Rated PG-13 for mildly slashy references. My sisters tell me it's amusing.
1. Gandalf Has a Bad Day, Arwen Has a Reall...

1 Author's Note: This story is, for one thing, extremely unfinished, and these beginning chapters will definitely change. Basically, it's going to be a retelling of the Fellowship's journey, starting at the Council of Elrond and ending… well, I'm not sure where it's going to end. If you review, I might keep writing on it. smile  
  
Gandalf was annoyed.  
  
"Sheesh! I escaped from Saruman's tower so I could make it to the council of Elrond, since apparently it is THE place to be, and now Elrond's off gallivanting with the hobbits! What ARE they doing, and what is TAKING so long?"  
  
Legolas shrugged his shoulders. "Didn't Merry have some pipeweed he wanted them all to try?"  
  
"Oh, no," Gandalf moaned.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
In the meantime, the four hobbits and Elrond were hanging out in a hidden grove.  
  
Sam exhaled deeply. "Hey, Elrond!"  
  
"What?" asked Elrond.  
  
"Can I call you Ellie?" Sam asked, giggling.  
  
Elrond raised an eyebrow and started to slowly back away.  
  
"What about Ellrie?" asked Sam plaintively.  
  
"Dude, you've got to try this stuff," said Pippin, trying to shove a pipe into Elrond's mouth. It went up his left nostril.  
  
"Ow!" exclaimed the elf. He removed the pipe from his nostril, wiped his nose on his sleeve, and tried to look dignified. "I have to be prepared for the Council! This could be the most important day of all of our lives!" Frodo giggled. Elrond winced. Anything not to hear another giggle. "Fine. If it means that much to you. I'll do it." He, too, took a long drag on the pipe…  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Gandalf was in horror.  
  
Elrond was singing.  
  
"Love power," he warbled, "I'm talking about… love power. The power of a sweet flower is going to rule the earth, and they'll be a great rebirth!" He giggled. "Love is a flower that is fine. When I'm walkin with my darlin and we're holdin hands… Oh, no, wait, my darlin is dead." He frowned, then giggled again. "She's deeead. That's funny!"  
  
"Yeah, mon!" said the four hobbits, raising their hands in unison.  
  
Arwen shrank into her chair. "Daddy, you are so embarrassing."  
  
Elrond jumped up on his chair and started wiggling his hips and his eyebrows simultaneously. "And I give a flower to the big fat cop, he takes his club and he beats me upppp! I give a flower to the garbage man, he stuffs my girl in the garbage cannn!" He strummed an imaginary guitar and banged his head up and down in the air, his braids flying in the air.  
  
By that point, Gandalf was practically in tears. Legolas' face seemed to be frozen in an expression of utter disbelief. Arwen decided that she would solve the problem by committing suicide, so she did. Well, that's got her out of the way.  
  
"Arwen! My darling! Noooooo!" screamed Aragorn, running to the edge of the ravine. "Is there any hope for her?" he asked Gandalf.  
  
Gandalf walked over to join Aragorn. "Turn around," he ordered. Once Aragorn obeyed, Elrond resumed singing, apparently completely oblivious to the fact that his daughter was dead. Gandalf carefully climbed down to take a look at the Elvish princess.  
  
"Gandalf – help me – I'm in pain—" said Arwen, her voice barely above a whisper.  
  
"Ah, shit, she's alive," muttered Gandalf. He looked about quickly and decided no one was looking, so he threw a rock on Arwen's head. She yelped quietly and then went completely still. Gandalf looked around again, then quickly walked back up the slope, whistling to himself.  
  
"Well? How doth my lady fare?" asked Aragorn, grabbing Gandalf's sleeve.  
  
"Oh, quite dead," said Gandalf, trying to make himself look sorry. He had never liked that Arwen chick anyway. What was a handsome guy like Aragorn doing around HER? 


	2. The Fellowship Quibbles

"Aaaaaaaah!" screamed Legolas and jumped up. "Who's been chewing on my hair?"  
  
Pippin jumped up. "I'm sorry!" he babbled. "I was asleep! I thought it was my blankie!"  
  
The entire Fellowship fell silent. Pippin turned bright pink. "I mean… well, never mind... yeah. So what are we doing today?"  
  
"Hunting orc. What else do we ever do?" said Gimli.  
  
"Well, sometimes we hunt hobbits," muttered Legolas, stroking his hair.  
  
Aragorn stood up. "Peace. We have far more dangerous enemies than each other."  
  
"Oh, havo dad, Aragorn," said Boromir, also standing up. "Do we have to kiss and make up now?"  
  
Aragorn tried to stroke his beard and look thoughtful, but since his beard was actually just unshaved stubble, he wound up merely pricking his finger. "Ouch! Well, actually, Boromir, my friend, that wouldn't be such a bad idea. Who do I get to kiss?"  
  
Legolas stopped ensuring that his braids were intact for long enough to look interested. Gandalf raised his bushy eyebrows.  
  
Aragorn cleared his throat. "I meant Arwen, you guys! My poor dead darling. Geez, can't you take a joke?"  
  
"You want to kiss dead people?" asked Merry curiously.  
  
Gimli released the handle on his axe. If necessary, he would have been prepared to fight for his friend Legolas. But not in that way, he assured himself. Legolas was just his friend. Like how Sam and Frodo were friends! 


	3. Frodo Has A Bad Morning

Author's Notes: Again, here's another short chapter. The next one is longer, as is the one after (which is unwritten grin).  
  
If you see random parentheses anywhere, they used to be smilie or frownie faces.  
  
Now, on with the story.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
An hour later, they were on their way. The sun was shining high in the sky, a cool breeze was blowing on their faces, and Frodo was singing.  
  
"The Road goes ever on and on," he sang in an annoyingly high falsetto.  
  
"Frodo. Shut. Up.," said Legolas through clenched teeth.  
  
"But I thought you liked singing!" said Frodo.  
  
"True. I like SINGING," replied Legolas pointedly.  
  
Frodo sniffed and fingered the Ring protectively. "My precious," he murmured.  
  
"What is it, Master Frodo?" asked Sam quickly.  
  
Frodo looked scared. Actually, since he had a perpetually terrified expression on his face, he just looked more scared than usual. "Sam, don't call me that! I'm Frodo. Just Frodo."  
  
Sam looked abashed. "If that is your wish, Just Frodo."  
  
Frodo threw his hands up in the air and stalked away to walk next to Gandalf. "Hello, Gandalf. Isn't it a lovely day?"  
  
Gandalf grunted. "Lovely is as lovely does."  
  
"I can think of several people off the top of my head who are lovely," said Aragorn.  
  
"Oh, really," said Gimli.  
  
"Well, Arwen, of course," said Aragorn hastily. "My poor dead darling. And Galadriel, Lady of the Wood. You may have the fortune to meet her. She is – was my love's grandmother. Well, actually, I suppose she still is. Only my love, isn't."  
  
Frodo, Gimli, and Gandalf looked thoroughly confused.  
  
"Hey, Frodo!" yelled Merry.  
  
"What?" asked Frodo, turning around. He promptly walked right into Boromir's shield. "Owwwwwwwwww!" he shrieked.  
  
Boromir started to laugh hysterically.  
  
"What is so funny?" growled Frodo, rubbing his knees.  
  
"Do you have any idea how long I have wanted to do that to you?" said Boromir, still chortling loudly. "And then you idiot go and do it to yourself!"  
  
Frodo decided it would be more prudent to go walk by himself for a while. 


	4. In Which Everyone Goes A Little Crazy Fr...

They had reached Caradhras.  
  
"Gandalf, it seems to me we're taking the long way around!" said Gimli, brushing snow off his beard. "I'm going insane. Why not go under the mountain?"  
  
"Why? Because it's dark, you idiot! And I'm afraid of the dark!" said Gandalf. Pippin tittered. Gandalf whirled around. The air, which was already freezing, became hard and heavy. "Do not take me for a cheap conjurer of magic tricks – I mean, conjurer of cheap magic tricks!" thundered Gandalf. He waited a minute, his arms raised dramatically over his head, then released the spell.  
  
"Sorry," said Pippin, abashed. "I won't forget again." Suddenly, his entire face brightened. "Hey, I know what would warm us up! Would you set off some firecrackers?"  
  
"Yeah, maybe in your soup," muttered Gandalf.  
  
"Oooh, goodie!" exclaimed Pippin. "Let's eat!"  
  
Aragorn saw that Gandalf was on the brink of murder. Was Gandalf capable of murder? No, he didn't think so. He had been so gentle with Arwen.  
  
"Here, Pippin, come walk with me a while," said Aragorn, firmly dragging the hobbit off to the side.  
  
"Aragorn, will you give me a piggy-back ride?" asked Pippin. "I'm so cold."  
  
"Pippin, we're all cold."  
  
"But I'm colder. And when I'm cold I'm unhappy. And when I'm unhappy, I make other people unhappy. Then I eat something to make myself happier. But I'm still cold."  
  
"Pippin, the love of my life is dead. You want to talk about being unhappy? Though, actually," Aragorn mused, "she does look quite lovely in death, when she isn't talking. Once I got Elrond off that damn pipeweed, I convinced him to use some of his magic to… ah, preserve her. So I can go down and visit her anytime, and she'll look just the same. Only, of course, she won't be breathing." He smiled happily. "But at least she won't be talking in that annoying voice."  
  
Pippin didn't know what to say. What do you do to the poor dude who's been forced to make out with Liv Tyler? Pippin thought a nice, friendly gesture would be to give Aragorn a pat on the back. The problem was that he was short – he was a hobbit, after all! – and he accidentally gave Aragorn a pat on the butt.  
  
"Pippin! What was that for?" said Aragorn, stopping short and giving Pippin an intense look of scrutiny.  
  
"Sorry! I thought it was… an Orc," said Pippin.  
  
"An Orc," Aragorn said flatly.  
  
"Did I say Orc? I meant Merry."  
  
"You tapped me on the butt because you thought I was Merry?"  
  
"No, I mean you look very merry and handsome today."  
  
Aragorn ran away. Pippin finally realized what he had said, and blushed a deep pink.  
  
"Pip, what did you say to Strider? Why is he rubbing his butt like that?" asked Sam, trying to come over, but instead falling neck-deep into the snow. "Help! Help! I'm stuck in the snow!" he yelled.  
  
The taller members of the Fellowship, after a quick debate over whether or not they should leave Sam in the snow, decided to pull him out. Sam brushed himself off and stuck his chin up in the air. Frodo tried to muffle a laugh.  
  
Gimli glared ferociously at the entire group.  
  
"So… shall we continue?" asked Boromir, looking at his watch.  
  
"What the hell do you think you're doing? You don't have a watch!" screamed Gimli.  
  
"Huh – wha?" asked Boromir, backing away. Gimli advanced on him, wielding his axe.  
  
"Gimli, what are you doing?" asked Legolas.  
  
"Oh, you!" said Gimli irritably, turning around and shooting a death glare at the Elf. "You think you're so great, walking on top of the snow and all that! You make me feel insecure about my weight!"  
  
Legolas gasped. "Gimli! I would never do that to you intentionally!"  
  
"Oh, no. Gimli has Mad Dwarf Fever," said Gandalf, shaking his head gravely.  
  
"Is there no cure?" asked Aragorn hopefully.  
  
"Well, there is," said Gandalf. "But it's difficult to do. He must eat a hobbit finger."  
  
"Gandalf, you idiot!" said Aragorn, punching the wizard in the chest. "You just gave away the end of the third book!"  
  
Gandalf glowered. "Oh, please, how about you? All the stupid foreshadowing about how much you love Arwen, who's dead? In P.J.'s movie you don't find out until Helm's Deep, but nooo, you had to jump the gun, and now everyone knows already that you're a necrophiliac!" he screamed.  
  
"What's a necrophiliac?" asked Pippin innocently. 


	5. Moria, Part One, Take One: Sam Says Good...

"Goodbye, Bill," said Sam. 


	6. Moria, Part One, Takes Two, Three, and F...

AUTHOR'S NOTES:  
  
-This actually was meant to be posted the day after the four-word-chapter, but then my account got frozen (long story) until now. So here it is, and I apologize for the delay.  
  
-I am going vaguely in the order of the books/movie, but this is really written as a series of short vignettes, which is why you don't read about how the Fellowship got from their quibbles to Caradhras or from there to Moria. If I ever have time (ha), I would like to go through and make it all flow together better.  
  
-PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!  
  
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TAKE TWO  
  
Peter Jackson flung his hat on the ground. "Sam, you idiot! You're supposed to show emotion in that scene! This is BILL! Your horsie! You love your horsie!"  
  
Sam snuffled. "You didn't like my acting?"  
  
"NO!" screamed Peter Jackson. "Do that AGAIN!" He hustled out of the way.  
  
TAKE THREE  
  
"Oh, Bill," said Sam, looking mournful. "I don't want you to leave. I love you so much. This is breaking my heart." He kissed Bill's nose.  
  
"Ewwwwww!" said Gandalf. "You're a … horseophiliac!"  
  
Pippin looked confused. "What does that mean?"  
  
"Well, I'm just trying to be emotional," said Sam defensively.  
  
Peter Jackson looked murderous. "No… one… interrupt," he said through clenched teeth. "One more shot, and then you're all going to have to make out with Liv Tyler."  
  
Gandalf, Boromir, Aragorn, Legolas, Frodo, Sam, Pippin, the cameramen, and all the extras screamed in terror.  
  
"Okay," said Gimli. Everyone stared at him.  
  
"Mad Dwarf Fever," whispered Gandalf sadly.  
  
"Ah, yes," said Aragorn, nodding his head wisely. Legolas nodded too.  
  
"Uhhhh… anyway, let's just accept that the majority of you who aren't insane and who don't have to be subdued with Liv Tyler's UNDERWEAR don't want to make out with her," said Peter Jackson. "Now do it WELL, Sean, okay?"  
  
TAKE FOUR  
  
"Oh, Bill," said Sam, looking mournful. "I don't want you to leave. I love you so much. This is breaking my heart." He kissed Bill's nose.  
  
Gandalf snorted, then neighed to cover up the snort. Legolas edged away from the wizard.  
  
"But I promised to stay with the Fellowship through good and through bad, so I will have to say goodbye. This is no place for a pony. Goodbye, Bill." He kissed the horse again and patted it on its rump.  
  
Peter Jackson heaved a sigh of relief. "That was fine."  
  
Everyone present heaved a sigh of relief. No one would have to make out with Liv Tyler!  
  
"Horseophiliac, horseophiliac!" taunted Gandalf. "Sam looooves Bill."  
  
Sam burst into tears. "You guys are so mean to me! I want my mooooommmmyyy!"  
  
Boromir rolled his eyes. "Sam, your mommy is never mentioned in the books."  
  
Sam paused and started sucking his thumb. He thought for a moment, a clearly strenuous process, then smiled. "I want my FRODO."  
  
Frodo looked horrified. He started backing away, then fell into the water.  
  
Enter the Watcher in the Water.  
  
Well, if you've read the books or seen the movie, you should know what happens. Suffice it to say that they survived.  
  
Legolas tried to cut off one of Pippin's fingers to feed to his *friend* Gimli. Pippin tried to punch Legolas in the nose. Instead, Legolas turned around too quickly, and Pippin punched him in the butt.  
  
Everyone entered Moria in a foul, foul mood. 


	7. Moria, Part Two: Frodo Dies. Frodo Comes...

Roight. Yeah, I really haven't updated on here in a long time. Sorry about that. Am in the midst of finals and probably won't have a chance to upload Chapter 8 (and to finish writing it) for a bit longer, but you never know, so keep checking back.  
  
To everyone who reviewed: I love you guys!!! Let me know what you think of this chapter. And any suggestions for upcoming vignettes would be most appreciated. I'll give you credit, too. :)  
  
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"Aragorn, you lead," said Gandalf.  
  
"Me? Why me?" whined Aragorn. "You're the wizard! I'm just a necrophiliac, remember?" he said bitterly.  
  
"Just do it," said Gandalf.  
  
"I'll have to think about it," said Aragorn airily.  
  
Gandalf pointed his staff at the other man.  
  
Aragorn quickly continued, "I'll do it!"  
  
"Good," smirked Gandalf. He shivered.  
  
"I know why Gandalf doesn't want to lead, I know why Gandalf doesn't want to lead!" said Gimli in a sing-song way.  
  
"Why not?" asked Boromir curiously.  
  
"No! Gimli! Stop! I forbid you! Sttoooppp!" gabbled the wizard.  
  
"He's afraid of the dark!" said Gimli, giggling.  
  
"Uh, yes, it's true," said Gandalf hastily. "I'm afraid of… making a mark on my staff." He grabbed Gimli's arm and started pulling him away before Gimli could continue.  
  
"A mark on your staff? No, the dark! Gandalf's afraid of the DARK!" said Gimli, completely oblivious.  
  
Merry and Pippin's grins spread from ear to ear. They were going to have fun with this.  
  
Gandalf started to cry. "Gimli, I hate you! You're so mean to me! I'm HAPPY you have Mad Dwarf Fever!"  
  
"Now, now. Let's not get upset with each other. We're all friends here, right?" said Legolas soothingly.  
  
"No, we're not!" chorused Gandalf and Gimli, leaping for each other's necks.  
  
"Stop it!" said Aragorn, trying to pull them apart.  
  
In the confusion, no one heard the voice…  
  
"Sssssssssertainly, we is not friendssssssssesss."  
  
Frodo felt long, cold fingers clasp around his neck. He trembled and started to say something, but he died too quickly.  
  
1 ********************************************************  
  
"Frodo! Noooooooo!" Sam shrieked, kneeling down by his master's dead body. "Come back! You can't leave me! First Bill, and then you!"  
  
"What, he lost his two loves?" muttered Gimli, but he, too, came over with a worried expression on his face.  
  
"Oh, Gandalf," said Sam, looking up with tears on his face. "What can we do for him?"  
  
Legolas took out his knife. A dead hobbit didn't REALLY need all of those fingers, did he?  
  
"Perhaps he is merely sleeping," said Gandalf cheerfully. "If you kiss him, maybe he'll come back to life? Like in Sleeping Beauty!"  
  
"Good idea," said Sam, his eyes gleaming, whether from tears or excitement, the writer doesn't want to know. Sam knelt down and kissed Frodo's forehead.  
  
"I was just kidding!" said Gandalf, cracking up. Sam burst into tears again.  
  
"Gandalf! You idiot!" said Aragorn, punching the wizard in the chest. "You just gave away the end of the first book!"  
  
"How so?" asked Gandalf, looking confused.  
  
"Easily! I'M supposed to kiss BOROMIR'S dead body!"  
  
"You – wha?" asked Boromir, hiding behind Legolas. "You kiss my body? Wait – you kiss my DEAD body? I'm supposed to DIE? That's not in my contract!"  
  
"Uhhh… right," said Gandalf. "Sam, how is our Ringbearer doing?"  
  
"Kiss him again, Sam," said Merry, giggling. (Don't forget pipeweed has VERY long-lasting effects.)  
  
"If you cruelly force me to, I will," said Sam, faking a deep sigh. He kissed Frodo's cheek.  
  
Frodo's eyes fluttered open. "Where am I? Who just kissed me?" He saw Sam standing above him, and promptly threw up.  
  
Legolas looked disappointed. 


	8. Moria, Part Three: Gandalf Elopes

A day later, every single member of the Fellowship, plus one wannabe member, was miserable.  
  
Gollum didn't have his precioussss. This made him pissssssed.  
  
Merry was hungry.  
  
Aragorn was mad that all the flesh had rotted off the skeletons. They didn't look sexy anymore.  
  
Boromir was still flipping out over his upcoming death.  
  
Sam almost wished that Frodo would die again so he could *revive* him.  
  
Legolas thought all the hobbits were very inconsiderate, but he still was the only one who ever came close to Sam (who smelled of vomit). Of course, Legolas only ever approached Sam with a knife.  
  
Frodo possessed ten very bruised, scratched fingers. Ten.  
  
Gimli was concerned that his beard was thinning. He spent all of his spare time looking for puddles of water so he could check his reflection.  
  
Gandalf was suffering a nervous breakdown as a result of his intense lygophobia.  
  
Pippin was stuck.  
  
"You fool of a Took!" hissed Gandalf.  
  
"Actually, I'm not a Took," said Pippin. "My mother was a hamster and my father smelt of elderberries."  
  
"Pippin, that's not a good thing to tell people," whispered Merry. Pippin looked crestfallen. "Oh."  
  
"Well, what are we supposed to do?" asked Boromir, throwing his hands up in the air.  
  
Legolas looked grave. "I'm afraid we must leave the young hobbit behind. Here, let me take one of his fingers to remember him by."  
  
"Legolas, NO!" said Aragorn. "If he dies, you can cut off his fingers, and I'll. well, never mind what I'll do. But he is a member of the Fellowship, and we are sworn to protect him."  
  
"Damn you and your protection," muttered Legolas rebelliously.  
  
"Protection from what?" asked Pippin.  
  
"From himself," Frodo whispered into Pippin's ear.  
  
"Why does he have to protect him from himself?" asked Pippin aloud.  
  
"Oh, shut up," said Gandalf irritably, quickly pulling Pippin out.  
  
"Legolas. Does my beard look any thinner to you?" asked Gimli, shoving his face in Legolas's. Legolas pulled away, startled.  
  
"SCREW THIS," said Gandalf. "I can't stand you idiots anymore. I'm leaving to stay with someone more intelligent. An Istari, in fact."  
  
"Huh?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"I'M ELOPING WITH SARUMAN!" Gandalf bellowed. 


End file.
